aesthetic and empty

I have this eccentric tendency of living every occasion and  even every day life activities like, morning walks, evening walks,  going to a grocery store with a friend, having coffee with friend when she drops in on the way back from grocery,  when we happen to bump on to one another in parking lot,   like its never gonna come again. I do anything possible  to make any occasion or any moment complete and perfect as though I am not gonna live for tomorrow. i did that a lot especially while i was about to leave new England area for ever, which was my first home after an important mile stone in my life. Where each and every minute element is picked by all by myself from our home being a football ground literally. I still even remember how much I loved having coffee at around 6.30 in the evening sitting on my living room couch from where I could see  reddish sky due to possible sunset and people walking around in the parking lot.

Today I suddenly realized something that I already new very firmly,  as to how short lived every happiness is, every moment is, many a times what we do, we would be doing it for the last time in our lives. So I would say, don’t take even a moment for granted, live every moment, appreciate it and feel it to the fullest extent. When I heard of two of our family friend’s sudden demise,  I couldn’t believe it. I short lives everything is, we are not an exception for that.

I got my biggest blow when I heard of one of my close friend’s death about six to seven years back. I was out of town, living in Bombay, when my father called me and told, your friend ‘N’ is no more.  I felt kind of suffocated, but I did not cry, because I had kind of a hope that this news would turn to be false. I always thought when I return, I will call her, she will say, hey u know, everybody made a wrong news of my death. It was too bad to believe, how in the world would 22 years old girl can die so suddenly.  But I happened to be wrong, she never returned. Last time, I remember I saw her was, when she had come to my place when she visited home, for her vacation. That day, she said something unpleasant to me, so I didn’t enjoy those moments to the extent i otherwise would have did.  But she is remembered always.

Not that I had never seen any dear ones go away. I had lost one of my friend about 15 years back from now. However I did not take death so seriously back then I guess, I still thought she is somewhere around, like in movies:-).

I bore  unbearable loss when I lost my grandpa about three and a half years ago. Whom I admired, I got irritated with, I got mad with, I got  silly with and I loved and …. Conventional notion about old age is that, old age could be cruel notion would change its way, if it witnessed my grandpa. His limitation considering his age were limited. His early morning visits to temples, news paper reading, elaborated pooja  session followed by second visit to he temples and his morning breakfast while he watches TV, while my grand mom cooks and doing house hold work, I visited  to feel this unbelievably heavenly  ambiance. My heart craves for those mornings and for those…….

Those early afternoon visits to dad’s friend’s place, those gust full play sessions, aunt  getting dosa batter to store in our refrigerator,  those…….  nothing is gonna come back. Neither does the year passed by, and year previous to that.

The realization of short life of happiness made me feel  aesthetic as well as  empty for the world  is so impermanent and so are we!